A Very Long Vacation
by Andrew Joshua Talon
Summary: Having unwittingly escaped the Uchiha massacre thanks to her eldest son, Mikoto Uchiha returns to a changed Konoha after Sasuke defected. And thus decides to be a mother to her son's best friend-Naruto Uzumaki.
1. Chapter 1

A Very Long Vacation

A _Naruto_ fanfiction by Andrew Joshua Talon

Disclaimer: I assure you, if I did own _Naruto,_ I would not be writing fanfiction about it. Though I could promise that the series would actually be about the title character and not Sasuke. I am not making money off of this either.

Author's Note/Explanation: If you have not read Chapter 385 of the manga, I suggest you go read that first before reading this.

I mean it.

Unless you want to be spoiled then you should go and read that chapter. Though I suggest you read it online for free-Maybe enough lowered sales will convince Kishimoto that his current direction with the manga blows.

… All right, good.

For the rest of you: This fic is a cracktastic mockery of the recent revelations about Itachi's true motives in slaughtering his clan. I've decided the heck with it, and I will write what my muse directs me to write for now. This story was developed with extensive help from my good friend Captain Sarcasm.

Now, with that long author's note out of the way, I am proud to present "A Very Long Vacation." Enjoy.

- - - - - -

_Six Years post-Kyuubi attack_

The Sandaime Hokage rose from his chair, dressed in a black robe. It fit the occasion, Itachi reflected; tomorrow would be a day of mourning indeed.

The destruction of his clan... To save Konoha. It was not a decision he took lightly, but ultimately duty overrode family.

"Every ninja in that clan is now an enemy of Konoha. Do what must be done. Do not hesitate. Show no mercy," Sarutobi ordered flatly. Itachi bowed.

"It will be done, Hokage-sama..."

The door abruptly opened, both ninja turning, prepared to deal with the intrusion in they way they did it best: Involving high powered jutsu to utterly annihilate the interloper.

Before the first hand seal could be completed, however, said interloper entered the room with a bright, happy smile and a plate of delicious cookies.

"Hello, Hokage-sama! I apologize for the intrusion, but your secretary wasn't in so I just let myself in," Mikoto Uchiha, Itachi's mother, said cheerfully. She held up the plate of cookies.

"You see, I was on my way to the orphanage to give those poor dears some cookies, but then I remembered how you liked them and decided to drop by! Care for some?" The Uchiha matriarch continued, her bright smile lighting up the dark office as though a ray from heaven were beaming down on her. As the sweet smell of chocolate chip cookies wafted through the air, Itachi slowly turned back to stare at the Hokage with his usual deadpan expression.

"... You were saying?" He asked. The Hokage coughed.

"Uh... I may have... Exaggerated just a bit..."

"..." Was Itachi's eloquent response as Mikoto handed him a cookie.

"Itachi, you shouldn't skulk around in the shadows so much," Mikoto clucked disapprovingly. "I know you do it to avoid fangirls but really, all it does is make you more dark and alluring to them."

Mikoto gave the Hokage a cookie as well, who accepted it with a strained smile. Mikoto snapped her fingers and smiled, embarrassed.

"Oh! I almost forgot. I'm so glad I ran into you Itachi." She rummaged around in her apron before producing an ornate kunai. She handed it to the stunned teenager.

"You forgot your favorite kunai. You know, the one you cut those deadly spines into so that your victims couldn't pull them out without excruciating pain? I just sharpened them a bit, they looked a bit dull."

"... Thank you Mother," Itachi coughed awkwardly. Mikoto beamed and looked between the two men. She then frowned as they continued to stare at her in a strange, guilty manner.

"Honestly, just what is it with you two today? You act as though your families were about to be murdered in cold blood..."

The Hokage coughed. Itachi gathered up his courage.

"...You're... not looking well... mother... I think you need a vacation," Itachi said in a very awkward monotone. The Hokage nodded vigorously.

"Yes... A nice, long, all expenses paid vacation... Alone..."

"Somewhere... Far away... And safe," Itachi continued.

"Vacation?" Mikoto asked with an innocent blink, "Why now?"

"Oh... No reason," the Hokage said with a smile. Mikoto raised her eyebrows, looking crossed and confused.

"You know the Uchiha Clan's Annual Barbecue is coming up. I can't believe you two want me to miss that! I think I have a shot at the grand prize this year with my _sukiyaki_!" (1)

"Mother," Itachi began, "we just think you should have a nice, long vacation... You really deserve it... Putting up with Father's, er... Eccentricities. I have observed them, they are… Most distressing for anyone… Especially for you," he finished.

He did not know how else to put it: "Evil Plans to Overthrow the Government of Konoha" would hardly go over well.

Mikoto's eyes widened, as though in sudden understanding. Itachi tried not to wince, he really did, but his wonderful mother, realizing the truth…

_I'm so sorry Mother, I'm sorry…_

"Oh... I see," Mikoto sighed. "Itachi, we need to have a little chat about "arranged marriages" and your father's old 'friends'..."

Itachi blinked, face paling even more than usual. Mikoto shook her head and gave her frozen son a hug.

"Now, first off, I want you to know that he does love you very much, but our marriage was arranged and to be honest, he was just never really into girls. Now, what you _probably_ saw was him playing 'Evil Leather Ninja having his Way with the Brave but Foolish Ninja Hero trying to Save his Girlfriend...' with his 'old friends.' Now, your mother is not very happy about this but she doesn't have a lot of choice in the matter due to clan law so I put my heart and soul into being a good mother for you and Sasuke and serving the community, finding fulfillment while your father has his friends dress up in my clothes and-"

"Mother!" Itachi interrupted. "You _really_ need a vacation."

"I insist on it!" The Hokage stated, nearly as pale as Itachi at this point. "All expenses paid, round the world cruise!"

"A cruise?" Mikoto asked with a childlike smile. "Really?"

"Yes. You see, uh, Itachi put your name into the Village Around the World Cruise Getaway contest, and you won!"

"I did?" Mikoto asked. She scowled. "Well then why didn't you just say that in the first place?"

"I just wanted to... Maintain the surprise," Itachi said weakly. Mikoto thought it over, before smiling and giving her son a big hug.

"Aww... That's very sweet. Thank you Itachi! Thank you, Hokage-sama! I'll go pack right now and-!"

A shadow clone of Itachi jumped through the window, carrying several large suitcases.

"Why, thank you Itachi!" Mikoto beamed, giving Itachi one last hug and kiss. "Though I really should tell your father-"

"No need! I'll tell him myself!" Itachi interjected. Mikoto grinned happily even as Itachi made two more Shadow Clones to push her out the door.

"You're so thoughtful, Itachi! Now just stay clear of weird pedophiles or cults out to rule the world, while I'm gone, okay? And look after your little brother for me!"

"Yes Mother!" Itachi waved as Mikoto vanished through the doors of the office. He sighed and slumped against the wall. The Hokage smacked his forehead.

"No offense, Itachi, but..."

"I know," Itachi sighed. "She's always been a bit... Off."

"It does make it hard to dislike her though," Sarutobi mused. "Now, about the plan...?" He stood back up, menacing black cloak fluttering in an improbable breeze.

"Yes Hokage-sama," Itachi sighed. He would give his life for Konoha and would slaughter his Clan for it (save his mother and little brother), but he would never feel comfortable with Sarutobi's odd theatrics.

"Now proceed, my apprentice…"

- - -

_Seven years later…_

"I'm back!" Mikoto Uchiha announced, bursting through the doors of the Hokage office with a broad sunhat, revealing sundress, and two large suitcases stuffed to the brim with what appeared to be crappy souvenirs.

"Hokage! I got so many great souvenirs for you and... Uh..."

Tsunade blinked. Mikoto's smile fell and she blinked back.

"Um... Have we met?" Tsunade ventured.

"... Tsunade of the Sannin? I thought you were still a wandering vagrant followed by your lesbian sex slave and pet pig, solving mysteries in a big green van!" Mikoto exclaimed.

"Uh... No... I'm the Godaime Hokage," Tsunade responded in a slow tone one reserves for the mentally ill. Mikoto frowns.

"Eh? What happened to the Sandaime Hokage?" Mikoto demanded.

"... He died... Exactly who are you?"

"Mikoto Uchiha, matriarch of the Uchiha clan! Who _else_ would I be?" Mikoto growled. Tsunade blinked again.

"... Aren't you supposed to be dead?"

"Do I _look_ dead to you?!" Mikoto stated angrily. She sighed, and rubbed her forehead. "Well, I should have expected changes... But being declared dead?! Oooh, I knew Fugaku would declare me dead as soon as he could, the bastard!"

"He's... Dead too," Tsunade managed. Mikoto blinked, thinking about it for a while. She smiled brightly.

"Well, I'm sure that Itachi and Sasuke are both outstanding, loyal Konoha ninja!"

Tsunade winced.

Outside the Hokage tower, a female voice could be heard bellowing in rage:

_**"ITACHI UCHIHAAAAAAA! SASUKE UCHIHAAAAAA! YOU TWO ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE!!"**_

- - -

_TBC…_

(1) Sukiyaki - Japanese beef dish


	2. Chapter 2

A Very Long Vacation

A Very Long Vacation

A _Naruto_ fanfiction by Andrew Joshua Talon

Disclaimer: I assure you, if I did own _Naruto,_ I would not be writing fanfiction about it. Though I could promise that the series would actually be about the title character and not Sasuke. I am not making money off of this either.

- - - - - -

After two hours of Tsunade filling in the recently-returned from the dead Uchiha matriarch on everything that had happened since she'd left, Mikoto sat silently, sipping a cup of hot chocolate with extra whipped cream and sprinkles, looking thoughtful. Tsunade sipped a mug of the same thing, moaning quietly. The briefing would have taken one hour, but Mikoto had been feeling the need for a comforting drink and she'd just had to share this wonderful hot chocolate with the Hokage.

"Mmmm," Tsunade moaned, finishing her cup with a shiver. She immediately resolved to get as much chocolate as she possibly could-It was like drinking _orgasms…_

"Hokage-sama," Mikoto said thoughtfully, "it seems that, with the actions of my clan…treason, murder… That I must make up for their failings."

Tsunade nodded dreamily. "R-Right…" The chocolate flowing through her bloodstream was filling her brain with a nice, warm fuzzy feeling.

She stood up, striking a dramatic pose.

"So, I would like to rejoin Konoha's ninja forces as a full Jounin!"

That shook Tsunade out of her chocolate-induced daze. She blinked.

"That's not necessary, Uchiha-san. I mean, you've been away for so many years on vacation and-"

"Well, I've kept myself in shape," Mikoto said with a demure blush. "And I've picked up some tricks overseas!"

"But-"

"And I kept my old uniform! I hope it still fits," Mikoto mused, beginning to disrobe right in front of Tsunade. The Hokage blinked in disbelief at Mikoto's exposed body.

_What the…? She looks twenty years old! How did she…?_

It took a bit for her to recall that the returned-from-the-dead kunoichi was, in fact, stripping totally naked _in her office._ She was just beginning to unwrap her chest bindings.

"Uchiha-san!" Tsunade barked. Mikoto blinked and looked over at Tsunade, then her eyes widened.

"Oh! I'm so sorry, Hokage-sama! I'm not trying to seduce you, really!"

"WHAT?!" Tsunade demanded. Mikoto smiled and blushed.

"I'm so sorry, Hokage-sama, but I'm just not like that!" Mikoto looked thoughtful. "Though I suppose I don't really know… I've never considered it and-!"

"Just. Get. _Dressed,"_ Tsunade sighed. Mikoto yanked a large privacy screen out of one of her suitcases, obscuring her body. A few seconds later, she pushed the screen out of the way and smiled brightly, posing a bit.

"How do I look? It seems a bit a tight around the chest and hips…"

"Just fine," Tsunade allowed. The Uchiha matriarch's uniform was familiar to her-She'd seen more than a few Bingo Books with her record even after she retired. Black turtle neck tank top without sleeves, white vest bound by only three straps, one just under her breasts and the other two connecting it to a very short white skirt, under which she wore tight black pantyhose. Her hair was wrapped in a ponytail, and her arms were wrapped in bandage.

"Anyway… Jounin Uchiha Mikoto, reporting for duty!" Mikoto cheerfully held her right hand up against her eyebrow, keeping her hand flat. At the same time she stood at attention. Tsunade blinked.

"What is that…?"

"What?"

"This," Tsunade copied the gesture. Mikoto blinked and then smiled.

"Oh! It's called a 'salute'," Mikoto replied, drawing out the "u" sound. "They do it in the West. It's a sign of respect, and it lets you keep the sun out of your eyes!"

"I see," Tsunade said dryly at the younger woman's bright smile.

"Also, what else can you tell me about… Uzumaki Naruto was it?" Mikoto asked. Tsunade had filled Mikoto in on her brother's teammate.

Tsunade nodded in confirmation at the name.

"He was Sasuke's best friend, or at least that's how Naruto saw it, as well as his rival. Naruto fought as hard as he could to stop Sasuke from going to Orochimaru, even using the Kyuubi's power… And the Rasengan, which he learned from Jiraiya."

Mikoto's eyes widened.

"He can use the Rasengan?" Asked Mikoto, impressed. Tsunade nodded.

"Yes. Anyway, Naruto meant to pull off at the last moment. He hasn't figured out how to make a non-lethal level Rasengan yet, so he was going to improvise. Sasuke pulled back from using the Chidori and just knocked Naruto out with a blow to the head. Still, Naruto took quite a beating and he's still recovered in the hospital."

"Even with the Kyuubi's power," Mikoto mused. She looked thoughtful for a few moments.

"I was thinking that I could be his sensei," she at last explained.

"What?" Tsunade asked in mild disbelief. Mikoto nodded.

"Well, he did try to stop Sasuke from defecting, and was badly injured, not to mention that business with Itachi… I think the least I can do is give him the tools he would need to defeat my eldest if he comes back after him."

"Uchiha-san, while I appreciate the offer, Naruto already has a sensei," Tsunade replied. "Two, in fact.

"Well, he is the one that my eldest son is after. And how many other Uchiha do you have to train him how to fight Uchiha?" Mikoto asked candidly. Tsunade frowned, and considered. Mikoto did have a point.

"With my tutelage, he'll be the ultimate anti-Uchiha!" She declared with a bright smile.

"Excuse me, Uchiha-san, but both of your sons have been declared missing nin. Your eldest is Rank S, your youngest is Rank A," Tsunade stated flatly. "It's the job of ANBU to handle them. Not Naruto, which is why we're keeping him here, and not you. They're both far too dangerous, especially with the company they keep."

"Look, it's clear that they both need their mother to knock some sense into them both," Mikoto stated simply, raising an illustrative hand. "They were both momma's boys. Why else would Itachi-kun send me off on a vacation for seven years to escape his massacre?"

Tsunade sighed and glowered at Mikoto.

"I'll… Allow you to regain your position, and take Naruto as your student _if_ he agrees to it… But chasing Itachi or Sasuke? No, I forbid it," Tsunade stated flatly. Mikoto pouted adorably.

"Pretty please…?"

Tsunade sighed. "No."

"I have more _chocolate…"_ Mikoto added slyly. Tsunade grimaced.

_No… It's good, but not _that_ good._

"No."

"Awww," Mikoto sighed. "Right then… I understand, Hokage-sama. Permission to go see Naruto-kun? He's at the hospital, right?"

"Yes, but-"

"Okay, see you later!" Mikoto said, leaping out the window.

"…" Tsunade slapped a hand to her forehead. Oh yes, it was all coming back to her now. Uchiha Mikoto: Cheerful, friendly, skilled, mothering even at a young age… impulsive, goofy and scatterbrained.

She then suddenly realized that she had just let this supposedly-dead woman go out into a village that still thought she was dead… And let her become Naruto's _sensei_.

"…"

Tsunade got up and tore into Mikoto's luggage. She had to have more chocolate in here somewhere!

If not chocolate, then booze. Damn Shizune for banning her from drinking at work!

- - - - - - - -

_Next Chapter: Mikoto roams Konoha, catching up a bit, before finally meeting Naruto._

_Please review._


	3. Chapter 3

A Very Long Vacation

A Very Long Vacation

A _Naruto_ fanfiction by Andrew Joshua Talon

Disclaimer: I assure you, if I did own _Naruto,_ I would not be writing fanfiction about it. Though I could promise that the series would actually be about the title character and not Sasuke. I am not making money off of this either.

- - - - - -

ANBU Gifu Akira was doing what those of ANBU did best: Dying against the villain despite their supposed elite ninja status, just to illustrate how dangerous the threat is without killing off the main characters. They may as well be wearing red shirts.

(_The author would like to apologize for that_._ We now resume the actual story. _)

He stood vigil in his eagle mask over the marketplace, invisible to all, just one of dozens of ANBU agents responsible for day to day surveillance of Konoha proper. He was going over the events that had lead him to his current assignment in his head, for the fifth time.

"_Captain Small Dick! Assorted asshole teammates! I just won the lottery! I just won the fing lottery! LOOKY HERE, EVERYONE! I JUST WON THE LOTTERY! F YOU MOTHERFERS! I'M OUT OF HERE, HAHAHAHA! YOU MOTHERFERS CAN KISS MY TIGHT, PIMPLED… Uh…"_

_The rest of the squad was staring back at him, the captain holding up a newspaper._

"… _You didn't hear?"_

"… _Hear what?"_

"_They accidentally printed a few thousand winning lottery tickets for the Hi no Kuni Lottery… They called it off…"_

"… _Oh…"_

"… _Nice kimono."_

"… _Thanks… I uh… I got it wholesale… Direct deliver from… Iwagakure… "_

"Okay… Note to self, start reading the newspaper," Akira mumbled to himself. A swish of an object passing through the air, he held up his hand and caught a sealed container of hot tea.

"Still upset about the lottery ticket?" His friend and fellow ANBU, Onokume Kensuke, asked, landing next to him with his own tea. He began drinking from it directly thanks to the proboscis on his mosquito mask. Akira grumbled. He'd _wanted_ the mosquito mask, he'd really wanted it, but no, he'd thought the _eagle_ mask was cooler! Being able to eat without taking off your mask definitely enhanced your mysterious aura as an ANBU.

That and it could be pretty offsetting to potential enemies. Especially if you were drinking something red. But, Akira had gone with the eagle instead, thinking it would strike fear into the hearts of the wicked and be badass, and of course, help him get women.

The eagle didn't do _any_ of that.

"Like you wouldn't be? A million ryo, Kensuke. I could have had a _million ryo…_" Akira stated, out of his thoughts of mask envy and regret.

"You and 3,000 other people," Kensuke snorted.

"We could have _shared!"_ Akira whined. Kensuke shook his head.

"Uh huh…"

"… I seriously, _seriously_ didn't mean any of what I said, I swear."

"No, you just meant it if you win a million ryo," Kensuke said dryly. Akira thought it over, and sighed, head bowing.

"… Yeah, pretty much…"

"_WOO HOOOO! ALOHA, KONOHA!"_ Both ANBU blinked and suddenly found themselves wearing necklaces of colorful, dead flowers. A black haired, attractive woman in white and black ninja attire stood before them, beaming.

"Souvenirs from my vacation! Thank you for doing such a great job, you two! _Aloha!_ That's Hawaiian for "hello" and "goodbye", you know! Goodbye!"

With that, the woman leaped away, leaving Kensuke and Akira to blink, and slowly look at eachother.

"… Was that…?" Akira began.

"Miss Bingo List 309 NA, Uchiha Mikoto?" Asked Kensuke. Akira blinked behind his mask.

"Uh… I… Guess…? Wait, an _Uchiha?! _I thought they all went rogue or died!"

"Looks like she didn't!" Kensuke enthused. He took off in the direction the resurrected Uchiha had gone. Akira followed at top speed.

"Wait, wait! Hang on! We need to alert everyone that-that there's a dead woman running around the village!"

"We can do that afterwards! C'mon!"

- - - - - - - -

Mikoto grinned broadly as she toured Konoha, taking in all the old sights and sounds, as well as the new ones. There was so much to see! So many people who had changed, had grown up. For a moment she worried that no one would remember her…

But this was ignored in favor of a familiar face on the street. She leaped off a roof and slid to a stop, grinning.

"Now we've got her!" Kensuke shouted as he leaped off the building. His partner followed, hands outstretched, ready to tackle Mikoto to the ground.

"Oh! Hinata-chan!" Mikoto squealed and zipped forward, grabbing the shocked Hyuuga heiress in a warm embrace. The ANBU zoomed past Mikoto and right into the wall.

_CRASH!_

"You've grown up so much!" Mikoto groped her happily. "Your boobs are out to here! But really, you shouldn't cover them up with your jacket. One, you're just blending into the background, and two, you'll overheat! C'mon, let's go shopping!"

"... A-Aunt Mikoto?" Hinata asked in disbelief, turning bright red. Mikoto nodded happily.

"I-I-I thought you were d-dead!"

"Oh no! I was just on vacation!"

The two women headed away, as the ANBU operatives slowly pulled themselves from the wreckage.

"Oww..." Akira moaned.

"Owww," Kensuke agreed.

Mikoto led Hinata down the street, arm around her shoulder, utterly oblivious to the two downed ANBU as she chattered excitedly.

"Anyway, now that I'm back I see your father hasn't taught you anything about fashion!" The Uchiha matriarch exclaimed. "The man always was such a prude. That coat just screams insecurity!"

"B-But Aunt Mikoto, I just-!" Hinata tried, but Mikoto interrupted her.

"Uh uh! No! None of that! It's the least I can do given that I've been away so long and _ooh!_ Hang on, I'll be back to talk to you later!" Mikoto grinned and fished a rather large package out of her pouch, handing it to the flustered Hyuuga heiress.

"I got you a souvenier! Now, based on your mother's measurements at this age… Hmmm…" She unzipped Hinata's jack and slid her hands inside, groping Hinata's breasts.

"EEP! A-AUNTIE!"

"Yep, just as I thought, D-Cups," Mikoto grinned. "You're taking after your mother, all right! This should be nice and comfortable for you then! Take care, see you later!"

Mikoto rushed off, leaving a bright red, shivering Hinata to open the package, and peek inside. Byakugan eyes widened as she fished a dark blue bikini out of the wrapping. A very _brief_ bikini.

"Oh-Oh my…"

As expected, a certain blonde and his potential reaction to Hinata wearing such a thing came to her mind… And made her faint on the spot.

- - - - - - - -

"No, no… Yes! There they are!"

Mikoto leaped onto a rooftop and ran across the top, skidding to a halt and swining down to peer into a certain open air restaurant.

"Iruka! Anko! Oh, it's great to see you two got together!"

Iruka and Anko looked up from their friendly lunch, eyes widening. Uchiha Mikoto was hanging upside down from the roof of their restaurant, smiling cheerfully.

"M-M-MIKOTO?!" Iruka gaped. Anko let her dango stick drop from between her fingers.

"Yes! It's me! I'm back from vacation... or the dead... Both! So, any kids yet?" Mikoto pried.

"KIDS?!" Anko demanded. It didn't enter into her mind for a second that this wasn't the real Mikoto-For one, nobody would be stupid enough to disguise themselves as a supposedly dead Uchiha. Two, nobody could pull off that air of cheeriness. And three... She was asking about her relationship with Iruka. As she always had.

"M-M-Mikoto-san... Ah... Aren't you dead?" Iruka asked timidly. Anko snorted.

"Iruka, no one would be stupid enough to impersonate her..."

"Yeah! I've just been on vacation!" Mikoto said cheerfully. "So, how about those children, hmmm?"

"Mikoto-san, we're _friends_. Friends. FOR THE LAST TIME, FRIENDS!" Anko bellowed. Mikoto winced, and crossed her arms over her chest indignantly.

"Really Anko-chan, no reason to shout. After all..."

"What?" Anko demanded.

"Well, it's clear you haven't yet figured it out," Mikoto shrugged. "So I'll just let you stay that way."

"Stay... I...!"

"Oh! Dango!" Mikoto cheered, grabbing some. "I'll see you two later! Don't realize your feelings for eachother or anything while I'm gone!"

With that, Mikoto took off, two ANBU chasing after her. Anko and Iruka looked at eachother. Iruka chuckled nervously, as Anko rolled her eyes.

"Really... She just won't let up... Even after she's supposed to be dead," Iruka laughed. Anko sighed and rubbed her forehead.

"As if she wasn't bad enough when we were genin..."

"Well, c'mon... We're responsible adults. We don't need any woman pestering us to realize our feelings for eachother... Uh... If we had those types of feelings! Eh heh," Iruka covered. Anko nodded, smiling slightly.

"Right! Which we don't," she said.

"Yup."

"And never have."

"Mmhmm."

"After all, we're just friends. And that's okay," Anko stated.

"Exactly," Iruka confirmed. He could recite this speech in his sleep.

"Just because we have an insane amount of sexual tension between us," Anko laughed. Iruka laughed with her.

"Yeah! Hahahaha... Haa... Uh... Eheh..." He blinked. This... Was new. As was Anko's bright blush.

"Um... I didn't say that," she stated.

"I didn't hear that," Iruka agreed.

"Good."

"Good."

Two ANBU, an eagle and a mosquito, stopped nearby.

"Hey, did you see a woman in white run by here and-?"

"That way," Anko stated dully, pointing to her right.

"Thanks!" The eagle ANBU said, before they both rushed off. Anko smirked and shook her head, as Iruka reached for his wallet. It was amazing how calm she was being about all this.

Then again, not much could surprise her these days…

- - - - - - - -

So many people to visit, so many things she'd missed…

The elation of seeing some familiar faces, however, dimmed as she drew closer to the first stop on her way before seeing Naruto.

Her only stop.

Mikoto stood outside the entrance to the clan compound, eying the faded paint and signs with a blank expression. She took a deep breath, before walking through the archway.

Mikoto had always been flighty. She knew this, accepted this and had tried to manage it. Manage her emotions, tame them, like you would an uncooperative bird of prey. The waves of emotions could not be mastered, and for a time her parents had thought she was insane, unstable.

Mikoto knew otherwise. She learned to move with her emotions, to let them happen, but stay on course. The waves bumped her, tossed her mind this way and that but by now she knew how to navigate, and knew how to manage the turbulence. She was happy, she was ecstatic, but the destination remained in front of her.

Her footsteps were the only sound she heard aside from the faint rustling of the wind, her hair waving ever so slightly. Even the colors seemed muted here, compared to the brightly painted shops and homes not two blocks away.

It was as if Death had taken up residence in the Uchiha district, and warmth and light had no place. It could not pay the rent.

Her cousins owned the home on her right… Her great uncle would play shogi with his brother on that very porch…

Mikoto stopped, at last, at her own home. She reached out a hand to the frame, running her hand over the familiar wood. She slid inside a little, fingers noting cut marks right where they had always been. She smiled a little at this, imagining Sasuke carving a line above his head, so proud to be growing taller…

"_Soon you'll be just as tall as your brother!" She had laughed, to which Sasuke had beamed. _

"_Just as tall!" He cheered, running into her arms and hugging her tightly…_

Mikoto licked her lips, running her thumb up and down the wood.

She didn't want to cry… She had learned early on that tears were not becoming of an Uchiha. She had defied convention, cried and laughed and cheered and smiled all the times she hadn't been supposed to…

But for some reason, in this tomb of her family she felt the need to carry on some aspect of the Uchiha, if only to believe that there was more to them than death and rebellion.

Mikoto sniffled, and shook her head. "No…"

No… If she was really all that was left of the Uchiha… She wasn't going to stay locked in the past. She was going to make things right, restart this clan the _right_ way.

No more iron chains of nobility. No more envy of status. No more marrying of siblings or joyless houses or madness.

"No more…" She swore, black eyes glistening with tears, as she slid and sat down. The tears poured, and she sniffled but refused to hold the tears back.

"N-No more…" she sobbed, turning and looking at the cracked Uchiha symbol in the wall.

_No more…_

- - - - - - - -

"Dude… Seriously… Where could she be?" Akira gasped, leaning against a wall for support. He hadn't run that fast in a while.

Kensuke frowned, looking about. His eyes spied the old Uchiha district.

"… Maybe she went home?"

"Home?! Oh f no man! I'm not going in there, it's haunted!" Akira moaned. Kensuke rolled his eyes.

"God you are such a chickenshit… C'mon already!"

The two ANBU made their way across the rooftops to the Uchiha district, soon spotting Mikoto herself on the porch of one of the old homes. Akira shivered.

"I-I dunno man…"

"C'mon… Would a ghost really give us _flowers?"_ Kensuke asked. Akira touched the chain of flowers cautiously.

"M-Maybe she's marking us for burial!"

"You are such an idiot…" Kensuke trailed off as the sound of quiet sobs reached him. The Uchiha woman's head was bowed, her long hair covering her face… Her body language screamed 'anguish' to him. He gulped.

"… You know… She'll probably come out… Sooner or later… So let's just wait outside," Kensuke said. Akira nodded cautiously.

"Right…"

The pair retreated to the entrance of the compound, both silent. The area just seemed to have that effect on people. No telling what might invite a ghost of the past to resurface…

- - - - - - - - -

The hospital window slowly opened, as a heavily bandaged blonde head poked out. Naruto peered around, eyes squinting slightly. A smirk came over his face.

"Shizune-chan," Naruto called, peering over his shoulder. No response. He grinned.

"Yes!" Naruto muttered, slipping out through the window, clinging to the window sill. He couldn't afford to use any chakra, or he'd be caught.

... And he'd also, potentially, pass out, but Naruto didn't concern himself with that.

_Now, all I have to do is get to my apartment, get some stuff, plenty of explosive tags and get out to find Sasuke and-!_

"Oh, Naruto-kun!"

"GAH!" Naruto cried out, half in surprise and half in pain as he was tackled through the window right onto his hospital bed. The woman on top of him was crying and hugging and nuzzling him... Not things part of him minded but the rest was just... Weirded out.

"I'm so sorry! So sorry!" The woman cried, burying her face in Naruto's chest. The blonde's jaw dropped, and he let out a squeak of pain.

"It's... Uh... Okay...!" Naruto managed through the pain, awkwardly patting the woman on the back. Despite the pain and sudden intrusion, Naruto was able to focus on the woman's features.

Long, soft black hair. Pale white skin. Tear-filled, red eyes with black irises. A messy nose as she looked up miserably at him...

"... Sasuke?" Naruto asked, the first name coming to mind. The woman sobbed again and hugged him tightly, making his eyes bug out in pain.

"Ohhh! I'm so sorry Naruto! I'm so sorry! Thank you for trying so hard to get Sasuke back! I know... I'm so sorry!" She continued to cry, as Naruto gripped her back tightly, trying to get her to loosen her hug.

"Can't... Breathe!"

He heard the door open, and tilted his head back to look. An upside-down Tsunade entered his field of vision, looking annoyed.

"Mikoto!"

"Oh! Hokage-sama! Sorry!" Mikoto said, letting Naruto go and standing up. Naruto gasped for breath, noting that Tsunade now looked amused.

"Well... It was good for you to drop by when you did... Trying to escape again, Naruto?" The Hokage asked, almost sweetly. Naruto growled.

"You...!"

"Sorry Hokage-sama... I just wanted to see Naruto so much, and, well..." Mikoto sighed. Tsunade expression changed again, sympathetic this time.

"I see... You saw."

Mikoto nodded. Naruto blinked and finally got enough breath into his lungs to speak.

"Hey! Obaa-chan, what the hell-?! Who is this woman?!"

"Well," Tsunade began, "Naruto... This is Uchiha Mikoto... Sasuke's mother."

Naruto blinked. He looked back at Mikoto, who was giving him a smile through her tears. He then looked back at Tsunade. He repeated the process, and blinked. He took a deep breath.

"She's _what?!_"

- - - - - - - -

_More to come, so until the next chapter is up, feel free to review and tell me what you thought of this chapter. Until next time!_

_And yes, that opening bit was inspired by Reno 911!_


	4. Chapter 4

A Very Long Vacation

A Very Long Vacation

A _Naruto_ fanfiction by Andrew Joshua Talon

Disclaimer: I assure you, if I did own Naruto, I would not be writing fanfiction about it. Though I could promise that the series would actually be about the title character and not Sasuke. I am not making money off of this either.

- - - - - -

"So, wait, wait... I'm trying to understand this," Naruto began. He was back in his hospital bed, fortunately not tied down this time, with Mikoto and Tsunade on either side of him.

He pointed to Mikoto. "You weren't killed by Itachi because he... Sent you off on _vacation_?"

Mikoto nodded.

"For seven years."

"Yes," Mikoto replied. Naruto turned to Tsunade and frowned.

"And before I met you, you were traveling around with Shizune-nee-chan and Tonton in a green van solving mysteries-?"

"NO! NO I WAS NOT!" Tsunade shouted as she glared daggers at Mikoto, whom shrank back with an apologetic smile.

"Sorry... That was a rumor I heard," she shrugged. Naruto blinked and looked at Mikoto incredulously.

"And you... Didn't get back until now?"

"Well, first my cruise ship got blown off-course by a freak storm, then I had to work for a while to get enough local currency to get to the next island."

"How?" Tsunade asked.

"I baked, I put on shows with my fire jutsu-Oh! I learned to play this neat instrument called a piano with my Sharingan! I brought one along, so would you like to-?"

"Mikoto, focus. Now," Tsunade stated. Mikoto rubbed the back of her head sheepishly.

"Sorry... Anyway, I decided to see the fact my ship got blown off-course as a blessing in disguise. There is a big, wide world out there, filled with so many different people and cities," Mikoto sighed happily, clasping her hands together. The sight of someone so happy mere moments after she was a sobbing wreck was kind of weird to Naruto. Still he pressed on.

"Finally... You want to train me to fight off Sasuke and Sasuke's brother?" He asked.

Mikoto nodded eagerly. "Yes! I mean... You've been screwed over by my sons more than enough, I'm hoping to make it up to you."

"She's also offering to let you move in with her," Tsunade added, flatly. Naruto could tell by the tensing of her brow that this idea did not appeal to his Baa-chan at all. Still, as he looked back at Mikoto, he couldn't imagine why. Sure, she was a little... Weird, but she'd seen the world, she was willing to train him to fight Sasuke and Itachi, and she seemed nice!

_That's not all that's nice about her,_ a small part of his psyche noted in a tone not unlike Jiraiya's, recalling how... Soft she had felt while on top of him. Naruto scowled.

_Stupid Ero-Sennin, corrupting me..._

"Well, sure!" Naruto said, giving Mikoto a big smile. "I'd love to!"

Mikoto smiled back with just as big a grin, and hugged him tightly.

"Ohhh, I'm so happy to hear that, Naruto-kun! We're going to get along great!"

"Urk!" Naruto managed to respond, eyes bugging out. "Mikoto...Chan... Ribs...!"

"Uchiha-san, please! He's still recovering!" Tsunade barked, trying to pry the overly affectionate kunoichi off the boy.

- - - - -

Akira and Kensuke stood at attention just outside the door to Naruto Uzumaki's hospital room, standing primly at attention as a nurse passed by. As soon as she was gone, they both slumped. Akira sighed.

"Right now, this ranks as about my second worst day... Ever."

"You don't win a million ryo, you have to chase a crazy, hot dead woman all over Konoha... And this is your second worst day?" Kensuke asked incredulously. Akira shrugged.

"Well... Yeah..."

"See, you're getting perspective now," Kensuke said cheerfully. "Not the worse day ever."

"Yet. I said, 'right now', remember?" Akira said. "With my luck, it's probably going to get worse. _Much_ worse."

"Don't be such a pessimist," Kensuke consoled his friend. "Things might get better. Tsunade-sama asked us to be here, didn't she?"

"Yeah, probably to grind our balls to make her bread," Akira said miserably. "We are so screwed... Screwed..."

"Would you quit that? You're making me feel nervous," Kensuke stated. Akira snorted.

"You should. Why are you such an optimist anyway? We're ninja, the ANBU! Deadly killers of the night! Why are you so positive?"

Kensuke shrugged.

"It's better than being depressed all the time, right? Look at Captain Hatake. That guy's got half the women in the village wanting him and he's always got his nose buried in _Icha Icha_."

"It's a good book series," Akira mumbled, slightly embarrassed.

"Is your right hand better than a woman?" Kensuke countered. Akira sighed.

"No..."

"See?"

"Doesn't get headaches though," Akira suggested thoughtfully.

"Oh that is just _wrong_..." Kensuke groaned.

"Doesn't need money..."

"I'm not hearing this, I'm not hearing this..." Kensuke chanted, covering his ears.

The door opened and Tsunade stepped out, taking a deep breath. She closed the door behind her and looked at the two ANBU sternly. They stood at attention, Akira sucking in his slight gut. He was just as capable as any other ANBU but he could never seem to trim that last bit of fat around his belly.

"Gifu, Onokume. I'm putting you on surveillance of Uchiha Mikoto. Keep an eye on her, understood?"

"Yes Hokage-sama!" They said. Kensuke ventured a question.

"Hokage-sama, anything in particular we should be looking out for?"

Tsunade pursed her lips. "Anything that could potentially endanger Uzumaki Naruto."

"Endanger, Hokage-sama?" Akira asked. Tsunade nodded, and sighed.

"Or scar for life," she added with a growl, turning and heading away quickly. Akira looked at Kensuke, who looked back.

"Okay... Now this is officially the second worst day of my life," Akira said.

"You're such a pansy. Besides, Mikoto is a babe. Watching her and being paid for it? Hell, I would take this mission for _free_," Kensuke replied, grinning behind his mask. Akira rolled his eyes.

"You won't be saying that later, I just know it..."

- - - - - -

Jiraiya, the Toad Sage, said to be the strongest overall of the Sannin, was not looking forward to his next stop.

_That damn stubborn kid,_ he thought with a sigh. Naruto had been yelling all day yesterday about going back out after Sasuke, no matter what. He just refused to see that his friend was no longer his friend, but a traitor to the village.

Jiraiya could sympathize. Orochimaru, despite being a low-down, dirty, no-good rotten snake with creepily effeminate features, had been his friend too. His _best_ friend.

… Which, to be entirely honest, may not have reflected very well on him, but hell, friends were friends damnit.

But, there came a point where you had to recognize that your creepily effeminate friend was no longer your friend, but a treacherous bastard who only cared about his own damn affairs. That he only cared about his agenda, his ambition, with no regard for the feelings of others.

It hurt. Some days it still hurt him to be reminded of Orochimaru's betrayal. But Jiraiya got by. He faced facts: Orochimaru was truly twisted, bound by shadows in the dark of his own creation. It wasn't his job to redeem him.

It wasn't Naruto's job to redeem Sasuke, either.

"Just hope I can convince that damn kid of this," he muttered, leaping over rooftops towards the hospital. He flashed through handseals to summon a traveling toad-He was going to get Naruto out of here and train him within an inch of his life, until even the Akatsuki would have trouble tangling with him.

Besides, foreign women would be drawn to Naruto like flies to honey, he just knew it. His bizarre luck, stubbornness, and "knight in shining armor" thing-All were perfect material for a new playboy, upon which he could base a whole new series of books!

Granted, he _was_ a _little_ tempted to keep Naruto here, whack some sense into his head about the hot Hyuuga honeys who not-so-subtly stalked him, or the various other kunoichi who could be directed into certain…_ Situations_ with the Kyuubi container. Hell, he was sure that Tsunade had a mild crush on the boy-All of the Sannin were perverts to _some_ degree.

His perversions were generally more fun than those of Orochimaru or Tsunade…

"Ah, there we go," Jiraiya said, grinning as he saw the hospital. He finished the last handseals and bit his thumb…

- - - - - -

"I still don't see why I need to be in this stupid wheelchair," Naruto grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest. Mikoto smiled cheerfully, reaching out and rubbing the bandaged blonde's shoulder comfortingly.

"Even someone like you needs rest, after what you've been through. Besides, fresh air and sunshine are best appreciated at a slow speed."

"Hmph," Naruto grunted. Mikoto continued pushing him along, shaking her head.

"Really Naruto, we are going to have so much _fun!_ I promise! I got all my luggage sent to a nice house near the Uchiha district. I'm going to sell it off, so we'll have lots of spending money for a while! We'll train, we'll see movies, we'll read books, we'll go skinny-dipping-!"

"W-Wait! What?" Naruto asked, looking over his shoulder in confusion. Mikoto blushed and grinned at him, and Naruto blushed heavily back.

"I, er, that is-!"

"Awwww… You're so _cute!"_ Mikoto cooed, pinching Naruto's cheek. "Is Naruto-kun shy of his body, hmmm?"

"I-You-! N-No! No I'm _not!"_ Naruto responded. Mikoto laughed and patted his shoulder again.

"Naruto, c'mon! Lighten up! I was just kidding… Ooh!" The black-ahired woman let go of Naruto's wheelchair and strode forward, bending over in front of him. The blonde's already dark blush got even darker at this, but he tried to hide it as she stood back back and turned around with a broad grin, holding up a coin.

"I found a ryo! And it was made the year you were born!" She dropped it in his palm. "That's supposed to be lucky!"

"Lucky?" Naruto asked. Mikoto shrugged, taking up the handles on his wheelchair and resuming their journey.

"Well, _I_ like to think so," she said cheerfully.

From some distance behind them, Kensuke sighed.

"Lucky bastard…"

Akira snorted, doing his very best sulk. It lost a great deal of it's effectiveness while he was wearing a mask though, and Kensuke was too wrapped up in watching their charges to notice.

"We are so going to die… This will end in pain…"

"Oh quit it you emo kid," Kensuke snorted. He spread his arms, taking in the clear sky and bright, warm sun. "How can you be so depressed on a day like this?"

At Akira's look, Kensuke backtracked.

"I mean… Besides, you know… _Everything."_

Akira opened his mouth to respond, but was interrupted by a loud voice.

"_KUCHIYOSE NO JUTSU!"_

A large shadow suddenly appeared over the two ANBU. Kensuke and Akira slowly looked up at the massive toad now falling right on top of them.

"You have got to be-!" Kensuke tried to get out, before the toad landed.

_WHAM!_

Mikoto turned around, forming several handseals in seconds, her Sharingan eyes red and spinning with deadly focus. As she saw the person sitting on the toad, however, she canceled her jutsu… But still glared up at Jiraiya with Sharingan eyes. The Toad Sannin himself stared back in open-mouthed shock.

"Jiraiya!" She growled.

"Mikoto?!" Jiraiya asked in utter disbelief. Naruto managed to turn his wheelchair around, and at the expression on the faces of his sensei and would-be guardian, he cracked a small smirk.

"So… You two have met?"

- - - - - - -

_More to come, so until the next chapter is up, feel free to review and tell me what you thought of this chapter. Until next time!_


	5. Chapter 5

- - - - - - -

A Very Long Vacation

A Naruto fanfiction by Andrew Joshua Talon

Disclaimer: I assure you, if I did own Naruto, I would not be writing fanfiction about it. Though I could promise that the series would actually be about the title character and not Sasuke. I am not making money off of this either.

Author's Note: Been a while! Even with the stress of exams gone I just can't focus on writing. I passed all my classes, so now I only have one last semester to get through at my college. So, enjoy this bite-sized chapter.

- - - - - - -

"I can't believe this," Mikoto growled. "After all these years… You have the gall to show up…" The Uchiha woman burst into tears and smiled happily, completely at odds with her previous angry appearance.

"I don't even have those cookies you like so much! Dummy! You should have waited!"

"Hwa?!" Naruto gaped. Jiraiya chuckled and shook his head, leaping down and giving Mikoto a big hug, which she returned with a squeal.

"It's not every day that one of my favorite people comes back from the dead! How are you, Mikoto-chan?" Jiraiya asked with a broad grin and jovial laugh. Naruto's jaw hit the road.

"Wh-Wh-WHAT?!"

"Oh! Naruto, this is Jiraiya!" Mikoto said cheerfully.

"I KNOW! HE'S MY SENSEI! BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW HIM?!" Naruto demanded. Mikoto laughed.

"Oh, Jiraiya was always one of my favorite people when he visited! He's so funny, and has so many interesting stories, and was so generous at all the charity bake sales and potlucks…"

Jiraiya just grinned over Mikoto's shoulder as the Uchiha woman happily recounted some of her experiences with Jiraiya, Naruto just staring in complete and utter disbelief.

"So, wait, wait wait… You know him?"

"Of course I do! I missed him terribly!" Mikoto said, hugging Jiraiya tightly again. Jiraiya winked at Naruto, who fumed.

"You do know he's a complete and total pervert… Right?"

"Mm? Pervert?" Mikoto asked, tilting her head quizzically. Naruto could not see how his jaw could get any lower, but it did.

"WHAT?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'PERVERT?'!" Naruto sputtered in a close approximation of Mikoto's voice. Mikoto shrugged.

"Well, I've always thought that it was healthy to indulge your baser instincts in healthy ways, so that you don't repress your emotions and end up incredibly stressed and unhappy!" Mikoto replied cheerfully. "It's no good to be a prude!"

"Hmph. My student here is an enormous prude," Jiraiya huffed. Naruto growled.

"HEY! It's better than being some kind of super pervert! You peek on women in the hotsprings!"

"So? So did I!" Mikoto said. Naruto stared at Mikoto, face turning red. He suddenly had a mental image of a younger Mikoto and Jiraiya sitting in a tree with binoculars, drooling over women in hot springs. His libido would have been cheering at the idea had it not been for the inclusion of Jiraiya-About the least attractive thing his libido could think of, aside from maybe Orochimaru.

Maybe.

"Oh, it's not what you think, Naruto!" Mikoto waved her hand. "You see, I had some trouble mastering my Sharingan when I was little, and Jiraiya-kun needed some illustrations for his book, and he was busy training the Fourth Hokage, so I decided to try and get my Sharingan to memorize what I saw in the hotsprings so that I could reproduce them in illustrated form!" Mikoto said happily.

Jiraiya bowed his head in reverence. "Ah, such a terrible shame… So many possibilities for your clan… Squandered on infighting and repression…"

"Yes," Mikoto sighed sadly. She immediately brightened. "But! Now that I'm back, I'm going to rebuild the Uchiha clan the right way!"

"Speaking of which, Mi-chan, exactly where have you been all this time?" Jiraiya asked flatly. "I suspected you had escaped, but I could never find out where…"

"Wait… You suspected she had escaped?!" Naruto exclaimed. "Then why the hell didn't you tell anyone?!"

"Well, it was only a suspicion," Jiraiya admitted. "And it's not a lot to go on…"

"Aw, it's okay Jiraiya! Just out of curiosity, what made you suspect that I hadn't died?" Mikoto asked. Jiraiya coughed.

"Well… There was the fact that the autopsy report showed that 'you' had a penis…"

Mikoto blinked. Naruto gawked.

"… Oh."

"But… She… It…!" Naruto tried, utterly at a loss for words. Jiraiya shrugged.

"Hey, it was later listed as a false report, and all the bodies were cremated afterwards! That, and even my spy network couldn't find any trace of her."

"Penis?!" Naruto choked. Mikoto sighed.

"Naruto… There's a lot you don't know about my family…" She brightened up.

"So let's go talk about it someplace else! I want food!"

Mikoto grabbed the stunned Naruto's wheelchair and pushed him back down the street, Jiraiya, following and dismissing the toad with a snap of his fingers… leaving two very injured ANBU behind.

"… Kensuke?" Akira groaned.

"Yeah?"

"… Still alive?"

"… Maybe…"

"… Still think… This is going to be… Sweet?"

"Get back to me… When I'm not in… Excruciating pain."

- - - - - - -

_Sorry again for it being so short. Next chapter will be longer, promise. _


	6. Chapter 6

A Very Long Vacation

A Naruto fanfiction by Andrew Joshua Talon

Disclaimer: I assure you, if I did own Naruto, I would not be writing fanfiction about it. Though I could promise that the series would actually be about the title character and not Sasuke. I am not making money off of this either.

Author's Note: Once again, long time since update. I'm starting at a new college and I'm trying to get everything in order. But, to you my loyal readers, I have a fun chapter just for you. Enjoy!

- - - - - - - -

Naruto hadn't been very happy about the choice of the Korean BBQ restaurant as the place for them to eat. He was even less happy about Mikoto's insistence he eat his vegetables. But even he couldn't stand up to Mikoto's "Puppy Dog Eyes Jutsu", and so reluctantly he'd dug in.

"So, you've been all over the world? No wonder I couldn't keep track of you," Jiraiya said.

"Ah, well, you know me," Mikoto laughed. "One thing after another happened, and I ended up having to pay my way."

"Oh really?" Jiraiya asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh now Jiraiya-sensei, nothing like that!" Mikoto chided him. "Though I did take a lot of notes." She produced a scroll and handed it over. Jiraiya proceeded to unseal it, and gaped in amazement at the sheer number of journals, notebooks, and scrolls that came out.

"W-Woah! What's all this?" Naruto asked. He took one scroll, and opened it up. He turned bright red, and suffered a severe nosebleed.

"GAHHH! Wh-Wh-What the hell?!"

"Oops!" Mikoto smiled and snatched it away. "Sorry Naruto-kun… Maybe we should save it for when you're a bit older, hm?"

"N-Not that kind of stuff!" Naruto sputtered. Jiraiya took the scroll and grinned.

"Wow! I have _never_ seen anything like this!"

"Oh, it apparently requires a lot of flexibility." Mikoto proceeded to lift one of her legs up and tuck it neatly behind her head. She beamed at the gobsmacked Naruto. "It was a very useful skill to learn!"

"H-H-Hey! If you're going to be my sensei, wh-what makes you think I want to learn about stuff like that?" Naruto asked.

"Well, you don't have to if you don't want to, Naruto-kun," Mikoto said cheerfully. "But they can be very useful and fun to do with your girlfriend."

"But not useful for bringing back Sasuke!" Naruto protested.

"Well, you never know~," Mikoto teased.

"M-MIKOTO-SAN!"

"Oh calm down Naruto, calm down!" The Uchiha matron reached across the table and patted his shoulder. "You can't focus entirely on bringing back Sasuke, you know. There is a whole world of possibilities out there!"

"Like what?" Naruto asked.

"Well, there was one time…"

- - - - - - - -

Mikoto sighed, looking around the desert stretching for miles in every direction. She looked at her map, twisting it every which way. She looked back at the desert.

"Well, I don't see any 'Tokyo-3' around here..." Mikoto said with a scowl. "Stupid map... It says it should be here! But it isn't!" She checked the brochure of the city in question, comparing the pictures of it to the bleak landscape around her. She adjusted her umbrella, tied to her pack and opened above her to provide some shade.

"Awww... I wanted to see some giant robot battles!" She pouted. Abruptly, several bandits that appeared to be refugees of Mad Ma Beyond Thunderdrome, all with mohawks, scrambled around her, grinning and leering.

Mikoto looked at them and smiled cheerfully. "Oh, hello there! Could you nice gentlemen possibly tell me how to get to Tokyo-3?"

"Tokyo-3? It's miles from here woman!" One of the bandits replied. The others laughed.

Mikoto frowned and checked her map again. "Really? It should be right here..."

"But if you're willing to pay...heheh...we'd be more than willing to escort you..." Another bandit leered. Mikoto blinked.

"Pay?"

"Yeah! Pay! Around here, we accept all sorts of payment...but in your case, it'll be a very cheap price...heheheheh..." The bandit laughed.

"Oh? What?" Mikoto asked.

"Your body!" The second bandit grinned.

Mikoto blinked, staring at the bandits in confusion. She blinked again.

"My body?"

"Yeah... You know... Your body...?" The second bandit prompted. Mikoto smiled.

"No, I'm sorry! I can't let you have it! I need it!"

Now it was the bandits' turn to stare in confusion.

"You see, I need it to get around, and lift things, and touch things... Why, without my body I'd just be a head! And then how would I get around?" Mikoto asked.

"We're lonely men out here...it's been quite a while since a woman, much less a good looking one has been through here," the first bandit spoke again, as though speaking to a crazy person. The other bandits nodded.

"And we have needs!" The second shouted.

"Aw, you poor things!" Mikoto said sympathetically. "Well, if I might make a suggestion? Most women regard mohawks as a turnoff, unless they have really low standards."

"WHAT?!" The bandit leader snarled. Mikoto laughed nervously.

"Just a bit of friendly advice, really!"

"You stupid bitch! We were gonna be nice but for insulting the Mohawk we're just gonna throw you down and rape you!" The first bandit snarled.

"Yeah! Get her boys!"

Just as the first bandit was about to reach Mikoto, a single fist slammed into his face and sent him flying back into the leader. Mikoto turned her head and smiled brightly at the tall, mysterious stranger.

"Wow..."

"WHAT?! Who the hell are you?" The lead bandit yelled. Kenshiro, 64th heir to the Hokuto Shinken, gazed impassively down on them all.

"Trash like you should be kept out of the road," he stated flatly.

"Ugh... Boss... I don't feel good," the bandit Kenshiro had struck moaned. Mikoto activated her Sharingan, and shook her head.

"Ow... That doesn't look good at all..."

Blood poured from the bandit's mouth, and he fell over, dead. The leader gawked at their assailant in shock.

"Wh-WHAT THE HELL?!"

"Wow... You made his heart blow up!" Mikoto said. "That's impressive!"

"You bastard! We'll kill you!" The bandit leader yelled. As one they charged, Mikoto thoughtfully stepping out of the way. Kenshiro settled into his usual fighting position, and went to town.

"Atatatatatatatatata WATA!" He cried, striking each bandit only once and driving them all back. The leader stood up and wiped some blood from his mouth in fury.

"You'll pay for humiliating us!"

"Yeah! You that's enough to beat us?" Another bandit yelled. Kenshiro looked on them with a stony gaze.

"There is no need for me to strike you again. You are already dead."

"Huh?" The bandit leader asked, before he and his friends began to scream, their heads and bodies expanding in grotesque, horrible ways. Mikoto thoughtfully put her umbrella up over Kenshiro as well as herself, just as the bandits exploded.

_KRUUUSHHH!_

After the rain of gore stopped, Mikoto pulled her umbrella away and shook it out, smiling up at Kenshiro.

"Thank you very much, sir!"

"I only did what you would have done," he stated simply. Mikoto shrugged.

"Well, thank you all the same... Oh! By the way, do you know how to get to Tokyo-3?"

Kenshiro pointed to the southwest. "It lies that way, in another anime. Take a right at _Bubblegum Crisis_ and then turn left when you reach _Akira_. You can't miss it."

"Oh! Thank you very much again!" Mikoto said cheerfully. She then headed off, as Kenshiro resumed his own journey.

- - - - - -

"... Really?" Naruto asked as Mikoto finished her tale, spellbound. "Did that all really happen?"

Mikoto hummed, looked thoughtful, and sipped her drink. She then smiled brightly and rubbed the back of her head.

"Oh... Oops! Eheheheh... I'm sorry. That was that dream I had when I tried mixing bean paste, vodka and chocolate into scones! My bad!"

Naruto facefaulted into the table, while Jiraiya chuckled.

"You haven't changed one bit."

"Buuuut, I have learned several interesting and useful things! And as your sensei, I would teach you every single one of them until you learned them!" Mikoto said.

"You know, I have been teaching him pretty well," Jiraiya said.

"What have you taught him?" Mikoto asked.

Naruto perked up and grinned.

"I learned how to summon toads, and how to do the Rasengan!"

"Really? All that? That's very impressive!" Mikoto said cheerfully. "But Jiraiya-sama, really… If what Tsunade-sama has told me is correct, then my eldest son will be after Naruto."

"As will the rest of Akatsuki," Jiraiya reminded her. Mikoto crossed her arms and raised her eyebrows.

"What else would you teach him, Jiraiya-sama?"

"Well, how to better control his… Other power," Jiraiya said.

"And?"

The Toad Sannin waved his hand vaguely.

"It depends on how fast he learns."

"You know Jiraiya-sama, being an effective ninja is not all about more and more power," Mikoto pointed out.

"Yes, but certain types of ninja do well with that approach," Jiraiya countered.

"How about this? If you allow me to teach Naruto for a whole year, I will let you have all of my own research from around the world," Mikoto said.

"Done," Jiraiya said.

"Huh?!" Naruto gasped. "H-Hey! You're just going to trade me for-for perverted manuals?!"

"Naruto," Jiraiya said, speaking extremely seriously. He gave Naruto a forceful expression, that immediately had the blonde's complete attention. "Mikoto is a fine kunoichi, who will teach you many things that even I could not. Trust in her, as I have trusted her. And as I have trusted in you to learn what I have to teach you."

Naruto stared in amazement. Jiraiya had seemed like a true ninja only a few times in Naruto's eyes, but never before had he been so… _Noble._ So… _Cool._

"So please Naruto… Trust in me, who trusts in you and her!" Jiraiya spoke forcefully, standing up and looking dramatically into the distance. Naruto felt manly tears come to his eyes.

"I-I will, sensei! I will!"

The coolness vanished, and what was left in it's place was, as usual, a perverted old man. Who was eagerly gathering up the manuals, scrolls, and books into a scroll.

"All right, take care Naruto! Good luck, Mikoto-chan!" He held a hand up to the side of his mouth and grinned.

"You're gonna need it!"

"H-Hey!" Naruto shouted, but Jiraiya abruptly vanished. Mikoto chuckled.

"Same old Jiraiya-sama…"

Outside the restaurant…

"Dude… I hope we don't get sued for this," Akira mumbled.

"Sued? For what?" Kensuke asked.

"… Nevermind."

- - - - - - - - - -

_Next time: Mikoto and Naruto go house hunting, while Akatsuki receives news of Itachi's recently returned mother! What will the fallout be, and can Naruto keep his sanity and good health while traveling around with his new sensei? All this and more on the next "A Very Long Vacation!"_


End file.
